I am a Canadian, and still a citizen. I legally reside in the US, and have, off and on, for most of my life. In my time in the States, I have rarely, if ever, felt unwelcome. There have been frequent (and often humorous/exasperating) episodes, wherein an encounter with an American results in a series of questions. I'll be asked of climate (do you still live in igloos?), of voting rights (why can't you vote here?), of language (how long have you been speaking English?), of food (do you have McDonalds up there?)...you get the idea.
It's easy to roll with, and those encounters often lead to sharing bits of Canadiana, and to contrast and compare, and to celebrate the treasures and highlights of our neighboring countries. As in Canada, 99.9% of everyone I've met in the States has been, at the very least, pleasant. There are certain American attributes I find to be odd (love of guns, religion, basketball), but, ya know, easy to roll with.
(Maybe not easy, regarding guns/religion, as I rarely think about either of those barbaric/medieval vestiges of modern society, and when I do, I am immediately repulsed. Basketball is just...ugh)
I went to the grocery store last evening to get a couple things for dinner, and found myself looking over my shoulder, and sizing up everyone around me. I've never done that before. I didn't realize until returning home that the compulsion to set my sensors to Alert was driven by fear. Real fear, the sense of not knowing when It would happen, or who would do It.
What is It? I'm not quite sure. Someone pulling a gun? Cheering for Trump? Harassing someone? Being a dick?
And what would I do? Run away? Run at them? Reason with them? Be a dick?
I have no idea. The Venn diagram of actions in this fantasy scenario are all slightly plausible. But why has this crazy fantasy suddenly manifested itself in my conscious life with such seeming near-reality?
Because yesterday (1/6/21), It came to life in ways I never thought I'd see. The Unpleasant .1% took action. Very quickly it occurred to me that the .1% is a new version of the Frankenstein Monster, physically acting out the racism, the paranoia and the ignorance of the larger group - the 40% of Americans that voted for what ultimately created this Monster. This group includes friends, family, coworkers, teammates, neighbors and strangers.
I have lived my adult life mostly unmoored and untethered, and that's just fine. I am not connected to any significant plurality. I am not extremely patriotic (such a strange thing for it to run so deep, as it is merely the result of the luck of birthplace), and I am not in any way a political animal (loyalty to a political party seems completely absurd to me).
To be clear, I live in a safe, friendly, clean city, with all the attributes a person like me would need or want. However, I am certain now the divide between reason and unreason, and the depth of xenophobia, and the complete absence of empathy in this country is now impassable, bottomless and irretrievable. This Monster can't be controlled. And I don't think I'm wrong in assuming the Monster lives here too, and, if it knew me better, I don't think I'd be welcome anymore.
